6 months ago today, my mother passed away. It was the most unexpected/difficult/confusing/emotional time of my life. My mum had died? I always thought she’d be there forever, I could’ve never imagined my life without my mum I hated thinking about it and it was easily one of my biggest fears to lose my best friend. Unfortunately, it happened. My world literally felt like it shattered within a week.
I remember it so vividly and have dreams about it at least once a week (lol now some of you know why I don’t sleep!). I left for work in the morning said “Mum, I love you I’ll see you later. Take care”, gave her a kiss and went to work. Little did I know that’d be the last conversation I’d have with my mum. She was rushed into hospital that afternoon, later that evening the doctor pulled me into the room sat me down and explained there was nothing they could do for her. At that point, I can’t describe what I was feeling. Surely there was SOMETHING they could’ve done, they’ve given up on her like that and I’m supposed to see her life just go like that after all she worked for? Nah I wasn’t having it I screamed, cried and shouted at the doctor pleading with him to do something. Nothing could be done. It hurt, hurt like hell. I just kept thinking over and over in my head “What the fuck do I do now?”. That’s my mum all stability in my life goes with her, she’s my best friend, my parent, my guardian.
In the week that followed my mums health deteriorated, visiting her in hospital got more and more difficult, saying “It’s okay, I’ll be fine” to people when they asked how I was was getting tedious, it was a long arse week. Then Friday hit, I got the call that she passed away. I went to the hospital room just me and her I didn’t cry surprisingly just had a short conversation, told her I’m sorry for not always being the best son. That I loved her and that I’d be okay. Gave her a kiss and left.
From that point on, I had to stand on my own two feet. My mum would say your 19 now you need to become a man obviously I’d say mum “leave me alone man I’m a teenager ffs” but from then on I had to, no more “Mum, can you give me a tenner I wanna go out”, No more “Mum, whats for dinner?”, No more “Mum when can I tell you what I want for xmas”. I needed to become a man like my mum said. After her death I felt like I was growing up I had tough decisions to make. I planned my Mums funeral, I decided to have her buried in Africa next to my Grandad just so she wasn’t alone and she was with her Dad again. It was hard, to leave my Mother in a different country it’s the furthest we’ve ever been from eachother but I had to. I’m not leaving her in wet, cold horrible Manchester where she’s buried next to some random person, no way! An there were a lot more tough decisions to be made throughout these past 6 months.
Although my mums death is a shit thing it brought positives too, I was never close to my family and now were closer than ever. I hated Africa when I went previous times, but the last time I went I enjoyed it. Death works in mysterious was and it’s the weirdest/most emotional rollercoaster that life can take you on. I got my self back into University and I’m glad one of the things my mum was most disappointed about was me dropping out of MMU, I had my reasons but she always wanted me to go back. I’ve done this for her, for her to look down on me and be proud but also for my self. Like I mentioned before, no more hand outs. I need to do it for my self.
These past 6 months haven’t been easy, time fucking flies. I cant believe it’s gone this quick just reiterates that time doesn’t wait for no-one. Even with situations like death, shit happens. You’ve got to move on no matter how difficult it is or however painful it may be. I set my self a goal by May 30th (a year on) I’ve got something to show, I’ve got into a good position and I’m doing alright a year on from my mums passing. So far I’ve done alright but I’ve got a lot of work to do between now and then.
Also, I’d like to thank my friends who’ve been there for me since day 1. Without your help and support I don’t know where I’d be right now, it scares me to think. I can’t express enough how much everything you’ve all done means to me. The lads (Sam, Oli, Oli, Luke.B, Dan, Jamie, Cal, Ethan, Jack, Zain, Sharks, Theo, Yakk and more). The Girls (Sarah, Em, Anj, Jenna, Beth) you’ve all been amazing.
Also especially two of the closest people in my life Luke and Becky. Luke I consider a brother to me, for the past 2 years if I’ve needed anything from advice, a laugh, a night out, a chill, (a zoot ha) he’s always been a txt/phone call away. I owe this guy and his family a lot and with everything that’s gone on he’s made it a lot more easier for me when I’ve needed a mate there. Becky, from the moment all this happened she’s been there for me almost every day through everything travelling from London to Manchester after auditions just to stay with me and make sure I’m cool, she’s seen me at my lowest and still stuck around, her family have been so supportive and have helped me out tonnes. Scares me to think what’d happen if I didn’t have her around when all this was going on being so low and having someone care about you through all of it makes a huge huge difference and I owe both of these people a lot.
Finally, 6 months on and I’m still the same person just with a different mind set. While I do miss my Mum and I’d give ANYTHING to have her back I’m proud to say she was my mum, proud of everything she did for me. Now It’s time for me to make her proud.
R.I.P Mum, love you x